Nobodys perfect part 2

My dad is not a big man. He is only about 5'1, maybe 150lbs. He's a little guy but he insists all his clothes must be extra large. He does not like anything to fit him...everything has to be loose and big. His favorite clothes to wear are his farmer jeans. He wears these everyday. When he buys a new pair of farmer jeans, he has to do his own "redesign" on them. First, being extra large, they are about 2 miles too long. So my dad cuts off the bottom of the pants, folds up a cuff, gets out his hot glue gun, and glues in a hem. Second, to prevent the farmer jean shoulder straps from sliding down his arm, he uses the excess hem material to make a strap across his back, he glues both farmer jean shoulder straps to the cut material and wha-lah the straps don't fall off his shoulders anymore. Believe it or not, this is an upgrade. He used to use duct tape to wrap the two shoulder straps together. Fashion is not very important to him. My mother has a fit whenever she has to go anywhere with him in his farmer jeans. "You look like a pauper don't walk anywhere near me in the store." The store is my dads favorite place to torture my mom. I have witnessed it more than once. Mom and I would be shopping along and all the sudden we'd hear him "SWWWEEETTTIIEEEE" from 2 isles away. When she doesn't answer him he just keeps yelling..."OH SWEEEETIE".

One time my parents went grocery shopping together at Wegmans. My father just happened to be wearing his turkey hunting coat. He found his turkey call diaphragm in the pocket. (The diaphragm is a little plastic thing you put in your mouth and when you breathe thru it it makes this annoying loud chirp that supposedly sounds like female turkeys.) My mom was in the produce isle, squeezing heads of lettuce, when she heard the first "CHIRPPPP". She swung around and glared at my dad. Through clenched teeth she said, "Gene, stop it, don't do that again". He gave her a huge smile. Knowing what that smile meant, she grabbed her cart and raced to get as far away from him as she could. There was no getting away, she could hear the chirps even when she couldn't see the "little asshole". Mom said people at Wegmans were looking all around trying to figure out where that noise was coming from. Dad practiced his turkey call up and down every isle. When mom saw him coming towards her, she would swing her cart around and go the other way. My sisters and I were hysterical when we heard this story. That's so him. I said "Oh my God, he is so cute". Mom said what she always says everytime I make that remark. "Oh yeah he's sooooo cute, take him home with you for a while, you will see how cute he is".