The Day I Kidnapped My Mom

As I mentioned in my blog of August 25th, my mother and I spent two weeks together at Cheryl’s house this passed summer. We went to Mystic Lake Casino just about every day. I love that casino. I win there all the time. Another bright spot Mystic Lake offers is Jeffrey, an attendee who walks around in his red jacket trying to get people to sign up for a players card. He found me one day, and then every day after that. I think Jeffrey, is "warm for my form". I always looked forward to seeing him. It's good for me to sharpen up my flirting skills once in a while.

So anyway, back to the story. After visiting Mystic for 10 days in a row. I thought a change might be nice. I mentioned Treasure Island Casino to my mom, a nice place, about an hour from Cheryl's house. I went there the previous winter, when Cheryl, Colin and my kids were going skiing at Welch. Welch is only about a five-minute drive from Treasure Island, so they dropped me off there on they’re way to the mountain. I won money there on the Monopoly slots. I thought my mom would enjoy it, something different. But Rose is a creature of habit. She does not like change. She had a fit when I mentioned going to Treasure Island. She started yelling about not knowing the lay out, about how she will get lost in there, about how I will get lost driving there, and about how she will lose money because she doesn't know which machines to play. She insisted we go back to Mystic, where she feels comfortable, so she can play the same 10 machines she plays all the time. After all her complaining she went upstairs to transform herself into the typical casino retiree.

Cheryl and Colin hatched up the plan for me to bring her to Treasure Island anyway, once she's in the car she won't have a choice. I agreed to this kidnapping plot, even though I knew I was going to have to endure an hour of mom's swearing.

So mom and I got into Cheryl's brand new 2009 BMW. It didn't take long for mom to figure out what was happening. When we pulled out of Cheryl's housing track, I took a right instead of a left and prepared myself for some serious swearing and complaining.


Mom - Lori where are you going?

Me - Surprise!!!

Mom - OH NO...turn around right now damn it, I am not going all the way to Treasure Island, I mean it, Lori turn the car around.

Me - Come on, it will be fun, we have a brand new BMW, the opened road, tunes on the radio, it will be an adventure...

Mom - I DON'T WANT AN ADVENTURE!!! GOD DAMN IT, Why do you have to torture me? I just want to go to Mystic Lake.

Me - "Blame Colin and Cheryl it was their idea, plus I am having fun whether you want to or not."

I turned up the radio so I couldn't hear her swearing. My mother turned into a spoiled two year old. Still swearing and cursing Cheryl and Colin for their roles in the plot, she stamped her foot on the car floor. She kept slamming herself around in the seat. I was ignoring her, the way you do when you have a child throwing a temper-tantrum in the grocery store. I was singing and dancing to the radio. Swaying back and forth. Every once in a while I would sway just enough to touch her shoulder to try to get her to sway with me. She would yell "STOP IT!!!" and lean herself over to her door so she was out of my reach. Now you have to understand. I grew up watching the techniques of the King of Torture, a.k.a. my dad. I studied and learned a lot from him, but I also have a few techniques in my arsenal as well, after all, if he is the king, I am the princess. So there I was singing and during the best part of a song I would stretch out my arm to my imaginary audience and my hand would be right in front of my moms face. She would whack it away. "Lori you sommonah, cut it out, turn this car around right now!!" I ignored her. Her aggravation grew, now instead of just slamming around in her seat she added the old head scratch trick. The head scratch is exactly what it sounds like. My mom rakes her nails over her scalp 3 or 4 times. This is her ultimate sign of being annoyed. Many many days at the casino, I would witness the head scratch trick. I would be winning on a machine and she would come up behind me and say she wanted to leave. I would politely say, "Mom, I am winning, go play a little longer, then we will go." She wouldn't leave, she would stand behind me, exhaling like a dragon, stamping her foot like a bull about to charge and scratching her head hard enough to draw blood. It would drive me insane, and I would have to leave my winning machine and take her home so she wouldn't miss Judge Judy. Which by the way is DVR'd.

But now I was in control, and she was going to Treasure Island whether she liked it or not. Honestly, what's not to like, its not like I was taking her to a prison camp. The ride is gorgeous, all farm land, rolling hills and gorgeous blue skies. We're in a cool car, with great tunes. What more could you ask for? The answer came to me in a flash...a cigarette, that's the problem, she can't smoke. We had been driving for about 45 minutes she is probably having nicotine withdrawal. So I nicely asked her, "Do you need a cig, is that why you are so miserable?" She blew up at me, "NO I DON'T need a cigarette, what do you think I am a fiend?? When I fly, I go hours at a time without smoking!! I am just miserable because you are making me go to Treasure Island!" She finished with a few head scratches then an elbow slam on the door. "Fine, calm down, we are almost there." And right after I made that comment, the first "Road Closed" sign appeared. Uh oh, now what, the Tom-Tom was telling me to turn down a road that was closed. I grabbed the Tom-Tom while driving and hit "Find Alternate Route". Boy, alternate route, isn't the word. Mom and I were now in the middle of nowhere, no other cars in sight. We were driving on dirt roads, which made me slow down to 20MPH so I wouldn't scratch Cheryl's car. Mom's head scratching began to increase. The Tom-Tom would say turn right, and we would be on paved roads again, then turn right, and back to dirt roads. The one-hour trip had turned into a 2.5 hour trip. I was sure mom's head was bleeding and her elbow was swollen by the time we arrived at the casino. The first thing she did when she hopped out of the car was light a cigarette. I put my arm through hers and started pulling her towards the door. I said, "Aren't you excited, we are here!!" I started my chant, money comes to me quickly and easily, money comes to me quickly and easily... She yanked her arm away, and said, "Oh yeah, I'm thrilled, I could have been at Mystic Lake for hours already, damn bitches!"

I gave mom a brief tour so she would know the layout of the casino. Then I went on my own and won $90.00 on the first machine I sat at. I was so happy, I couldn't lose, I played the Monopoly slots and doubled my money. Only 2 hours went by when I heard the dragon-breathing lady behind me. She wanted to leave!!!! I said, "Mom I am not leaving already, we just drove 2 hours to get here!". She stamped her foot and said, "We are leaving, we need to get home before dark!"

It was no use, either I had to leave or she would follow me to each machine and stand behind me breathing and scratching.

The ride home was only an hour long. I saw a detour sign and followed that, guess I missed that detour sign on the way down!