My Mom

Even though I am a full fledged daddy's girl. I do love my mom. She is just as whacky as my dad, she has a weird side too. She loves to swear but never uses the "f-word". Well, maybe once it a while it slips out, but it's always in the abbreviated form - "f'n". For example, "You're f'n father is driving me nuts."
Swear words have been flying out of her mouth for as long as I can remember. Matter of fact, when I was two years old, one of Charlene's friends asked me my name, and I told her "Sommanah bitch".

Somehow swearing works for my mom. She never sounds mean or scary, it's part of her every day vocabulary and it really cracks up the grand kids. You would think all our kids would be dropping f-bombs or calling people assholes since they have been hearing those words since birth. Once in a while they did. We would explain those were "big people" words and they are not allowed to say them until they are 18 years old. It worked.

My mom is, in some ways, the typical Italian mother. She loves to cook, but not as much as she loves to feed people. She can cook anything and it comes out perfect every time. She makes this one chicken dish, I absolutely love. I have tried to make it several times, it never comes out as good as hers. I swear, I follow her directions, I do everything she does and still my chicken comes out dry and over cooked. Hers practically melts in your mouth. She is also famous around our family for her salad dressing. It's simple - oil, vinegar and salt. That's it, but try to get it to taste like hers. It never ever does. Somehow her hands are the only hands in the universe that know the exact amounts of the vinegar, oil and salt to put in. Her salad just burst in your mouth with the perfect blend of ingredients. It's frustrating when you have been watching her make this salad for years and still you cannot duplicate it!

To say my parents house is busy, is an understatement. Every night of the week at least one of us girls and our kids are popping in for dinner. Sometimes we call to warn her, but most times we just show up, she always has enough food. Sundays are the busiest, everyone comes over for our weekly 2:00 pasta dinner. It is so much fun. We catch up, eat, laugh, and watch dad torture mom. Mom is always the last one to sit and eat. She is busy getting every one's plate. My father's plate is first, my mother has made my father plate forever. He comes in the kitchen like a king, and sits on his throne at the head of the table. Mom fills his plate and brings it over to him. He says something like "Tankkkks sweeeeetie!" and she says "Shaddup and eat". God forbid if she forgets to make his coffee. This conversation occurs at least once a week...goes something like this.

Dad - "Can I have my coffee"

Mom - "Shit, I forgot to make it. You want it, go make it yourself, I'm eating. (she gets up and starts to make the coffee) "I wish for one second you were married to a girl of today. They would tell you to go take a shit, and get up to make your own coffee. You don't know how lucky you are I'm the sap that married you, you would never survive if you were married to one of your daughters. You don't see them getting coffee for their husbands."

(Coffees done, mom pours it in a mug, gets the Creamora, sugar and a spoon, carries it to my dad)

Dad - "Tankkkks sweetttiieeeee"

Mom - "Go take a shit for yourself"

(dad stirs his hot coffee and lays the hot spoon on her hand)

Mom - "OUCH... YOU NO GOOD ROTTEN SOMMANAH BITCH"

I know sound crazy, but it's all true.

Every holiday dinner is at my mom's house. It's a tradition I am fighting to keep for as long as we can. My other sisters always offer to have Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving at their houses, to take the load off my mom. My mother always says no. She would be so disappointed if she didn't smell the turkey roasting in her oven on Thanksgiving morning. She loves to decorate her house for holidays. (I inherited this talent from her). Her kitchen at Christmas time should be in a magazine. She has the top of her cupboards lit up with lights and electric candles. Its filled with little Christmas trees, furry santas, holly berries, and strings of icicles she bought from QVC. She really has a knack for decorating. Although sometimes she tends to let things get a little too gaudy. One Christmas she bought this shiny gold table cloth, with shiny gold place mats. The light fixture over the table has 200 watt bulbs in all 8 holders (thanks to my dad, who only likes extremely bright lights). Well between the blinding gold tablecloth and 200 watt bulbs reflecting off it, we were all squinting through dinner. This table setting should have come with a warning or at least a pair sunglasses at every plate. My sister Mary Beth ended up with a migraine, and the rest of us had our retnas burned out. Still she did it out of love.

Another holiday tradition in our family is the Dropping of the Forks. We are all sitting with full plates of food, dad has already said Grace, we dive into moms mouthwatering dinner. My mom is standing like an overseer, "Who needs gravy?" "Gene pass the rolls, EJ wants a roll". "Does anyone need a pop?". She worries about all of us. At first we are too busy eating her delicious cooking to notice she is still standing up, eventually someone will say..."Mom sit!" Being no where near her chair she says, "I am. Hang on a minute." Someone else shouts the first warning, "Mom we are going to drop our forks if you don't sit." "NOOOO, I'm sitting" she shouts. She's not sitting she is still at the stove stirring things. "OK, on the count of three we drop our forks...one...two....three!" All the forks drop and we all sit and watch my mom, now she is rushing around like a maniac trying to get to her chair. "There are you satisfied, I'm sitting, now eat!"
Holidays are so much fun in my family. I really feel sorry for people who have not had the pleasure of sharing a holiday with us. So you are all invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's. Don't worry she always has enough food!