Mom's Revenge

Vicks Vapor Rub is a staple in my mothers house. If you go there right now and look in her medicine cabinet you will see at least one jar, if not three or four. It was her favorite cold remedy whenever anyone got sick. When I was little, I had asthma, back then they didn't have inhalers or nebulizers. My mother treated me with 3 things. First, St. Joseph Aspirin, second, a shot glass filled with a mixture of warm honey and lemon juice, and third, the dreaded Vicks Vapor Rub. She would slather Vicks Vapor Rub from just under my earlobes, across my neck and down to my sternum. She would put an itchy washcloth over it to hold in the vapors. The washcloth was useless, the vapors still escaped. In addition to my neck and chest feeling like they were on fire, I would also have to squint for hours so my eyeballs wouldn't burn out of their sockets. To this day I hate the smell of Vicks. My mother, on the other hand, loves it. I think if she were allowed, she might actually eat it. Every night before she goes to bed, she grabs a tissue, puts it around her finger and dives into the Vicks Vapor Rub jar. She pulls out a glob of vicks, then crumples up the tissue and goes to bed holding this tissue near her nose all night. She says it's to open her sinuses, but I think she just really really loves the smell.

One morning she got up with her clear sinuses and went into the kitchen for some coffee. My dad was sitting at the table glaring at her. Being the sweet person she is, she says "What the hell's your problem" My dad answered "You and your Vicks are my problem. I was up at 1:30 last night with my balls on fire" Half-laughing my mom says "What do you mean?" So dad explained "Somehow your Vicks tissue ended up on my side of the bed, burning my balls. At first I thought it was just a bad dream, then I realized it was real and I had to get up and wash them with soap and water. The first time didn't work so I had to wash them over and over again." Trying not to burst out laughing my mom said "Well I don't know how the hell the tissue got down there, I certainly don't put my hand down by your privates, the tissue must have got there by itself" She couldn't hold back the laughter anymore. Which of course only made my dad even more mad, "Ha ha ha, real funny." he said.
She was on the phone in seconds calling everyone.

Something happened the next night that proved my mom's true love for my dad. She went to bed for the first time without a tissue full of Vicks, and hasn't used one since that ball-burning night.