Mom's Sabotage

I have to write today about my mom and her sabotage. She is going to yell at me again for throwing her under the bus. But, I am only speaking the truth. She should be happy and consider my blog free therapy. I am making her a better person by holding a mirror in front of her beautiful face. (see, I can be nice)...

After 44 years I have finally figured out why I cannot duplicate my mother's recipes. The realization came just 2 days ago when I called her and asked her how to make her delicious greens and beans. Here's the transcript of our phone call.

Mom - Hello?

Lori - Hi Mom, I bought everything I need to make your greens and beans with sausage, so can you tell me how to do it.

Mom - It's simple all you do is put the greens in the frying pan...

Lori - WHAT? Aren't I supposed to boil them first?

Mom - Oh, yeah you can, I do when I am making them

Lori - Well don't you think that's an important part to leave out? OK fine so I boil them for how long?

Mom - only about 5 minutes, then drain them really good. GENE...YOU DO THAT AGAIN AND I'M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!

Lori - what's he doing...?

Mom - I am leaning over Cheryl's kitchen island and he keeps putting his hand up my duster. (mom and her dusters, her dusters are these little summer dresses she buys at flee markets) MY KNEE ISN'T UP THAT HIGH AND IT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE!!! YOU DUMB SOMMMANAH BITCH!! Your father told me he was trying to touch my knee, well my knee is facing the other way. I'm gonna kill him!

Lori - Kill him later, so I drain the greens really good then what?

Mom - put them in the sausage then add the beans and the bean juice

Lori - What about garlic? Yours has a ton of garlic in it

Mom - Oh yeah put garlic in it

Lori - when do I put the garlic in, you have to tell me all the directions, I never made these before!!!

Mom - You put garlic in the pan first!!!

Lori - Well you never even mentioned the garlic, and it goes first!!! I think you are a little threatened that I might make these better than you, so you are sabotaging the recipe

Mom - (laughing, but trying to hide it from me)...NO I'M NOT....I figured you would know to put in garlic!!!

Lori - Well I don't know...you have to tell me!!! So I fry up garlic..then add the scrambled sausage and the beans

Mom - NO!! Don't put the beans in before the greens, put the garlic, then the sausage, then the greens, THEN the beans, then your done.

Lori - WHAT??? I'm done...wheres all the juice, yours has juice in it, cuz I use bread to dunk

Mom - Oh, I sometimes put in a little chicken broth

Lori - OHHHHHHHH, another ingredient you so "innocently" forgot to tell me about!!! You are sabotaging my greens and beans, you are scared I might cook as good as you!!!

Mom - (laughing so hard she can't even speak) NO I'm NOT!!! (still laughing)

Lori - I think you are, I had to PULL the ingredients out of you, is there anything else you are not telling me about making the greens and beans????

Mom - (still laughing) NO! YOU PAIN IN THE ASS!!

Lori - Fine, I will see how they taste after I make them!!!

So there you have it, proof she is trying to sabotage my cooking abilities. This is not the first time either. This phone conversation sparked my memory of the time I asked her how to make her artichokes. She gave me most of the recipe but "forgot" to tell me to put a little splash of oil over each artichoke once they're stuffed. And she "forgot" to mention that I am supposed to baste the artichokes while they are cooking. So my artichokes came out with dry stuffing and I just about gagged trying to eat them. Once I got the full instructions, my artichokes could win a cooking contest. Even my dad likes mine better than my moms!! Take that!! Rosie the Sabotager!!!